Frozen Yogurt Diet
by IntraSule
Summary: Alfred wanted to come home to a relaxing pile of Mickey D's. Too bad he has a stalker health-crazed friend with shitloads of frozen yogurt lurking in his house.


I don't own Hetalia, America, McDonald's, or Skinny Cow products. Enjoy...

* * *

"Yo, Tony bro, I'm home!" Alfred shouted as he stepped into his condominium, loosening his tie and toeing off his shoes. "Hey, you didn't eat my Mickey D's, did ya?" Silence. "Tony?" More silence.

Alfred shrugged and kicked off his shoes. It wasn't too strange that Tony would be occupying the condo in one day and gone the next, especially since as an alien, he had to go on totally awesome galactic missions like archaeological digs in seemingly uninhabited planets or space wars with another species. All those things didn't change the fact that Tony's random absences can be pretty annoying, and a bit lonesome.

Alfred sighed and slipped the tie over his head. "As long as he actually brings me a souvenir this time," he muttered. Tossing his briefcase onto the sofa and his keys onto the coffee table, Alfred cut through the living room and made his way to the kitchen, drooling a river as his mind raced excitedly with the images of the object he had been fantasizing about since he first woke up this morning.

Burgers.

Juicy, tasty, hunger-killing burgers with thick beef patties grilled to perfection, toasty golden brown buns, freshly cut lettuce, tangy pickles, and sweet tomatoes drowning with ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard, and melted cheese; paired with cartons of warm, salty fries, the burger was the perfect reward to ease the stress of yet another dull, pointless world conference.

Alfred yanked the refrigerator door open. "Hey babies, didya miss Daddy?" His grin fell.

The burgers were gone.

Alfred slowly backed away from the empty refrigerator (save for the dozens of cartons of ice cream, frozen pizzas, Hungry Man TV dinners, Mike Tyson chicken fingers, boxes of Chinese take-out- yeah, you get the idea...) sputtering incoherencies to himself as his mind tried to wrap itself around the horrible reality.

_My burgers! Where are my burgers?! Oh, my goodness, Tony! That bastard ate my burgers! _Alfred choked back a sob, and as he did so, he began to choke and cough. _What the hell? _It was then that he finally noticed the heavy gray smoke billow out from the crevice of his trashcan. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, Alfred lifted the trashcan's lid and sprayed the small fire inside it. He switched on the kitchen's air vents to suck out the remaining smoke. With the smoke gone, Alfred could clearly see into the trashcan, and he noticed among the fire-resistant foam and smoldered material a brightly-colored corner of a McDonalds wrapper.

Alfred dropped the fire extinguisher canister as he pulled a Macaulay Culkin scream.

Switching from screaming like an eight-year-old boy to hyperventilating like a maniac, Alfred sunk to the kitchen floor, clutching his head and staring at the tiles. _It's all in my head...it's all in my head...Wow, the tiles pretty...blue tiles, yellow tiles, white tiles, green tiles...one tile, two tiles, three tiles, four tiles, five tiles...such pretty, smooth tiles..._

"Uh, dude, you okay?"

Alfred's head snapped up in fear. _That voice..._ He slowly turned his head to look behind him. Standing in the kitchen's doorway was a tall, young African American woman, her head tilted as she stared awkwardly at the state Alfred was in. She held her hands in front of her and lazily shifted her weight from one leg to the other, swaying from side to side like a bored child. She seemed friendly, but Alfred wasn't fooled.

"Intra," Alfred snarled in a low voice. "We meet again..."

Intra smiled and waved sweetly. "Hiya!"

Alfred slowly rose from the floor and glared at Intra. "What are you doing here?!" He asked her.

"I came to visit you, uh-d'oi!" Intra replied as she rolled her eyes. "I mean, I'm sure that that is what friends do, right? Visit each other? Unless all of those Teletubbies episodes I watched were wrong or something..."

"No, no, no! Don't play cute! I know you! You're evil! You got that bad mojo in you and I _know _that you're scheming something awful!"

Intra placed a hand over her heart, her face reading sadness. "A-Alfred," she said softly, "how could you say something so...mean...I thought you knew me long enough to know that I truly care about you, and would never, ever, in a million years, even _imagine _hurting you- pfffffft! Oh, man! This is why I can never be an actress: I can never stay in character without giggling! Ah ha ha ha!" Intra sighed in content and wiped away tears of laughter.

Alfred stormed over to Intra and glared down at her. "What are you doing here, Intra?"

"I'm here to visit you, as I already stated before. I had to wait here all day for you to come home, too."

"Why didn't you wait in your own house until I came back? How did you get in here to begin with? And-wait a minute!" Alfred looked back at his trashcan. "_Did you do this?!_" He asked as he pointed towards the trash.

"My house is boring, I had extra keys, and...Yep."

Alfred stepped away slowly, gaping at her in sheer horror. "Y-y-y-you-"

Intra crossed her arms and shook her head. "Alfred, we went through this before: keep calm and talk normal."

"YOU SKIZZWAD! Why did you burn my burgers?!" Alfred wailed as he waved his arms frantically.

"Because England told me to, and quite frankly, I agree with his tactic. Dude, you need to shed a couple of pounds, if I may be honest."

"_No, _you may NOT be honest, and you're the one to talk, lady! Whatever happened to those size fourteen jeans, huh?!"

Intra just brushed off the insult as if it was a casual topic. "They're fitting pretty well. Besides, I heard that people trying to lose weight and live healthier do better when they have a partner to do it with." Alfred snickered. "Seriously, Al?"

"Pffft, you said 'do it'. Um- anyway, what do you mean by partner? You know that I'm not giving up my burger babies, right? No matter what you or Artie say!"

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"No. I'm. Not!"

"Yes, you are~! And I have the perfect thing to get you started!" Almost like magic, Intra pulled from behind her back a large, plastic carton and held it out in front of her.

Alfred squinted to read the label. "Skinny Cow...Frozen Yo-NO! No! No, nuh-uh, not in a bajillion years, sister, nope! Sorry! Out of service, please try again later without frozen yogurt shit!"

"Dude, not once in your damn life have you eaten frozen yogurt before, there's no way-"

"Nope."

"That you-"

"Noooo..."

"Know if it's-"

"Nuh-uh."

"Good or bad."

"Nope~!"

"And stop-"

"No-o~!"

"Doing that!" Intra slapped Alfred's arm.

Alfred pouted and rubbed his arm. "But I don't wanna stop eating my burgers, Intra." He stared at her with wide, shiny puppy eyes that would make any woman absolutely melt. "Pwease don't take my burgers away from me."

Intra, being the cold-hearted witch that she was, turn her nose up and scoffed. "Sorry, doctor's orders."

"You're a meanie!" Alfred huffed.

"Tee hee, oh Al, do go on!" Intra teased in a Southern belle accent. She snickered. "Dude, you gotta eat this, man. It's flipping awesome!"

Alfred crossed his arms stubbornly. "Dude, I'd sooner acknowledge that Sealand's a country while eating cherries than shove that bullshit excuse for food down my rectum!"

Intra stared at him with a "what the fuck" expression. "Dude, the rectum's in the butt..."

"Oh really? What was I thinking, then?"

"Esophagus."

"Oh, well, that too! I'm not eating that Skinny Cow junk! The only cows I'll be eating are the hormonally-rich ones that you can grill."

"I see," Intra muttered. She nodded as if she was respecting Alfred's wishes, and stood still. Suddenly, she tackled Alfred to the floor.

"Gyah! What're you doing?!" Alfred shrieked as Intra straddled him.

"I'm going to force feed you, dude, what do you think?" Intra said as Alfred wriggled under her. She popped open the carton and pulled a spoon out of her pocket. She scooped up some yogurt from the carton and held it at Alfred's mouth. "Say aw, love!"

"No!"

"Come on, please?"

"No!"

"You have to..."

"No, I-mmph!" Alfred grimaced as the yogurt melted on his palette.

"It's not so bad, is it?" Intra cooed as she took out another scoop of frozen yogurt and held it towards Alfred's mouth.

Alfred blushed and whimpered as he gulped down the yogurt in his mouth. He looked up at Intra with a face that looked like he wanted to cry, but shook his head nonetheless. He opened his mouth to eat the next spoonful and let the yogurt melt on his tongue. "It tastes like bananas," he said in a lifeless tone.

"Yep, got the banana flavor, just for you." Intra offered another scoop of yogurt.

"I like bananas." He ate the next spoonful of yogurt.

"I know, dear. Now, here comes the plane! Rrrrrm!" Intra moved the spoon in the air around Alfred's head before putting it in his mouth. "Mmmm!"

"...I wanna feed myself."

"Okay!" Intra climbed off Alfred and placed the yogurt on his lap. She sat down next to him, shoved the spoon into his hand, and watched with maternal endearment as Alfred shoveled more yogurt into his mouth. She smiled, "See, Al? Eating healthy stuff isn't so bad, now is it?"

Alfred looked away to avoid Intra's stare, looking miserable as he ate the yogurt. "Whatever."

Intra began stroking Alfred's hair. "Aw, look at you. Eating the yogurt all by yourself like a big boy."

"Dude, we're same age; stop talking to me like I'm a little kid."

"Aw, you're so cute when you pout!"

"Intra..." Alfred muttered in a warning tone.

Intra put her palms up in resignation. "Fine, fine, sorry."

Alfred continued to eat the yogurt in silence with Intra watching him. About halfway through the carton, Alfred placed the spoon in the container and rubbed his stomach. "Can't...eat...anymore..."

"What?!"

"I can't eat anymore, Intra. I'm full."

"Says the guy who scarfed down fifty burgers in one sitting and finished with two pints of ice cream! You're going to finish that yogurt, Alfred Franklin Jones, or so help me, I'll-"

"Do what?"

"I'll...I'll..." Intra's hand shot up at Alfred's cowlick. She grabbed it and watched with surprised amusement as Alfred gasped and trembled.

"D-d-d-d-dude! L-l-l-let go!" Alfred stuttered. He started to pant heavily.

"Eat the yogurt," Intra gently tugged the cowlick.

"Dude!" Alfred squeaked. "Y-you don't know what you're doing!"

He was right, Intra didn't know what she was doing, but she figured that whatever this cowlick was, it was helping her to bring down Alfred's stubbornness in immense notches. She tugged the cowlick again. "Eat. The. Yogurt."

"Intra, I don't wanna eat any more of this! Please!" Intra yanked the cowlick. "ALRIGHT, FINE!" Alfred shrieked. He quickly shoveled down the rest of the yogurt and sighed in both pain and relief as Intra released his cowlick. He lied back down on the tiles and curled into a ball.

"Al? What's wrong?" Intra said as Alfred groaned. She placed a hand on Alfred's shoulder.

"You defiled me."

"Wh-What?!"

"My tummy hurts, now."

"Oh. Awww! Okay, Al, I'm sorry. You can rest now. You did a good job, you know!"

"Leave me alone..."

"Okay." Intra stood up from the floor, went to the living room to grab the afghan from the sofa, and went back to the kitchen to placed it gently over Alfred's body, knowing that a full stomach will make Alfred fall asleep. Just moments later, she heard soft snores from the sleeping form. She smiled and bent down to kiss his cheek. "Sweet dreams, Al. There'll be more yogurt for you where that came from..."

In his sleep, Alfred shivered in instinctive fear as Intra went to cart in the dozens of crates of Skinny Cow Frozen Yogurt into the condominium.

* * *

Ha ha, I had too much fun writing this! X'D This "force-feeding Alfred frozen yogurt" idea came up in a roleplay I did with another user, the awesome Alfred and Mattie! ^_^ D'aw, Alfred's so cute when tortured with food! I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing this!


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